Eat, Pray & Love Myself - Part 1

I packed my suitcase.  Like Emily Dickinson, I am looking for myself.

My youngest child went away to college and as soon as I was sure he was settled and happy, I left home for my own adventure.  He’s an independent young man, but I stayed home for the first month he was up at school just to make sure he was settled in. I have been there for my 3 kids every second of every day for 28 years and counting.

His leaving is new, and so is mine.

I’m going down to Florida for a month, alone. 

This time I packed the carry-on backpack for me and only me. 

It was not the 30-pound bag I usually bring with something for everyone. 

I packed two brand new sets of headphones, neither of which is missing a rubber nub. 

I bought the fancy kind of water at the airport because I am worth it, and the bottle is pretty.  A small (expensive) can of Pringles and one Snickers bar are the treats momma likes and doesn’t have to share.  What an absolute feeling of lightness to walk away from the checkout with three things instead of twelve.

I can’t emphasize enough how liberating it was.  I felt like I had been cut free from dragging a trailer full of logs for nearly 30 years.

I walked through the airport light on my feet, head clear, mind calm and the tiniest bit nervous but the most excited I’ve felt in a very long time.

Flying alone is lovely because there is no one to wait for.

No one to entertain.

No one on your radar to protect.

No unexpected bathroom runs three seconds before boarding.

As we all herded up waiting for our zone to be called, it felt like an out of body experience. Everyone else had someone next to them… a spouse, a parent, a couple of kids. I could say I had no one, but the truth is, I had me.

How lost she has been. How forgotten.

My often anxious nervous system was absolutely calm. I felt like the luckiest person in the room.

I found my seat, got settled and started a movie while others boarded the plane. 

A young man stopped next to me, he was seated in my row and as he moved towards me, I saw that he had a wife behind him and a lap baby.  I can hear Alanis Morissette. 

I’m running away from kids, a husband and a life lived with love but for other people.  This is the first part of my journey into peace and tranquility…next to a lap baby.

Normally, I love babies, but I ignored this one because I really needed this flight to mean something.  I’d imagined for weeks how the plane ride was the breaking point for me.  It is the statement to the world - I am a lone traveler, and I am comfortable with it.

I want to be comfortable with it.

We land and I look at the dad for the first time in 2 hours, “Your baby is beautiful, it was a perfect flight.”

The baby never cried once.  Neither did I.