Motherhood In The Rearview Mirror

Forget space exploration, motherhood is the true final frontier.

Pregnancy is full of joy, worry and heartburn that can melt the surface of the sun.

It wasn’t so much the physical part that I found hard, it was the mental part. My mind raced with memories of how much I used to hate babysitting. Could this be a bad sign?

I worried about absolutely everything. “Free-wheeling” is not an adjective that has ever been used to describe me. I am a planner. So plan I did. I lost sleep over whether people really put dirty cloth diapers in their wash machine (I have so many thoughts about this - one of which is why doesn’t someone invent a washer with a garbage disposal in it?)

But here I am, 28 years later, and I know that baby so well. She went from a feather of smoke drifting through my mind with no concrete features to literally the most important person I’d ever meet. I can’t believe I ever lived a day on this planet without knowing her, and I wish I could go back and experience my pregnancy again knowing then what I know now.

If you could go back and tell your pregnant self something about how this all turns out, what would you say?

I wish I could whisper in my ear…

“Michelle, this baby inside of you that flutters and stretches is a daughter who will look just like you and love you and delight you.  She will be spunky and easygoing!  She will love music and playing pretend and she will bring the joy back into your life that you have lost. 

She will forgive you when you are not perfect, she will be so good that you will want to be a better human just for her.  She will walk beside you, trusting you. You will hold her hand and guide her through this beautiful life.  

Then, one day things will change so subtly that you will barely notice and now you will walk beside her. She will hold your hand and she will guide you through this beautiful life. 

She is the best of you, your tender strength is woven into her heart.  She will never, could never, disappoint you because she is good.  She is the answer to your prayers, a dream come true.  Enjoy every moment of this pregnancy, I’ve met her, and she is wonderful.”

My first child, my daughter Lauren, taught me how to care, how to put another before myself.  She taught me that there is delightful humor in everyday things like peekaboo, and swishy dog tails. 

Life was so good, that I had to do it again.  Another baby was filling my dreams and thank goodness another dream came true.  My pregnancy was easier this time.  Yet I lay awake at night wondering about the future. 

I wish I could go back now and whisper in my ear…

“This baby, Kelsey, is a tender soul.  She is coming to be the perfect sister for Lauren and a complete and utter joy for you.  She will enter the world, but never completely detach from you.  Her eyes will follow your every movement.  She will trust that you will protect her, and you will.  She will be your friend for life, the one who helps you without you having to ask. 

Her sense of humor and brilliance will lift you up and light your days. 

She is beauty, grace, power and bravery all wrapped up in one gorgeous being.  She makes you believe that all things are possible.  In creating a sister for your daughter, you are also creating a sister for yourself. 

She is strong and wild like a beautiful daisy.  You were meant for her, and she was meant for you.  She is the answer to your prayers, a dream come true.  Enjoy every moment of this pregnancy, I’ve met her, and she is wonderful.”

Ten years passed and my daughters grew up. Something was happening in our family.  A tone had shifted, we were building a new house, starting a new phase of life.  I knew for sure that a change was needed… but I did not know that change was coming.

Lauren was almost 10 and Kelsey was 7 when I became pregnant again. This pregnancy was a like a dream.  I worried about how we would adjust, what would our lives be like?  A boy was coming.  A boy.  Would I be a good mom for a boy?  I worried a lot, I was tired a lot, was I too old to do it all over again? 

I wish I could go back now and whisper in my ear…

“Your son, Brian, will be a peacemaker.  He will be a curly headed, blonde ray of sunshine.  He will be everybody’s baby. 

He will bring your family closer together, back to the simple times of exersaucers and chubby cheek kisses.  He will snuggle up to you in the rocking chair and make you remember that there is no place like home.  He will love Winkin’ Blinkin’ and Nod, and back tickles and all creatures great and small. 

He’s quiet and sweet with a river of empathy and emotion that runs so very deep inside of him. You have to earn the right to be allowed into his mind and heart and you do. You are the luckiest person in the world.

He’s both a rule follower and a pioneer. You will watch a tender hearted boy grow up into a caring and capable man. 

He will heal wounds in you that only he could heal with his very existence.

He is the greatest gift the universe has ever given, not only to you but to the whole family. 

He is the answer to your prayers, a dream come true.  Enjoy every moment of this pregnancy, I have met him, and he is wonderful.”