Recipe for a Relationship
Is there a recipe for lasting love?
I am a self-help addict. I have read stacks of books a mile high on how to find personal fulfillment, happiness and improve my marriage. I am a seeker. I have modeled the heck out of parenting (I’m an amazing mom) and utterly failed on modeling an amazing marriage.
Don’t get me wrong, my marriage isn’t the worst by any stretch, but it certainly has not been the best. It’s vanilla pudding made with Aspartame - it’s pretty good, sweet enough, but also a little toxic. It’s good enough for me to eat but I certainly don’t want my kids to eat it.
The path to a great relationship is winding, and there are lots of opinions out there. In my research I’ve found that both therapists and pop-experts will tell you that you’ve found your person if you answer yes to any combination of the following questions:
Do they like to do the same things that you do?
Can you see yourself living with them?
Do they “make sense” to you?
Do they like to eat waffles at 6am on Sunday mornings?
Do you two have the passion of one hundred burning suns?
Do you picture yourself having kids with them?
If you answered “NO” to the last question, I think you may have found your perfect match but not in the way that you would think.
What if the only criteria we use to assess the worthiness and perfectness of our mate is to NOT want to have kids with them?
Instead of looking for the person you want to “share your life with” find someone you don’t want to SHARE!
Someone you want to sit across the table from every single day, go with you to the grocery store, play a game of scrabble with and then re-wire a light fixture. Having kids feels unnecessary with this person.
It’s a radical idea, yet so simple. My relationship started off that way and within six months there were plenty of times when I needed a break from my person. I felt like I needed and wanted to have kids with him so that someone else would enter the room to fill in the gaps and not just the gaps in the relationship, but in my life.
When I think back, most of my friends got married for the same reasons. Something was missing and kids seemed to be the answer. What if the recipe for a truly happy and long-lasting relationship is not only to live the true and authentic life you personally were born to live, but then to add in a relationship with someone you don’t need but utterly and completely want? This way, when life throws you surprises like job loss, illness, or a sunny day in Michigan in February, you’ve got your favorite sidekick with you for all of it! Then, if you do choose have kids with this person, it’s icing on an already delicious and completely satisfying cake (made with real sugar.)